Boo

Pooks scared the crap out of me last night. That's unusual. My reaction was unusual... for most people, I screamed like something was killing me.

I had just finished brushing my teeth and had come out of the bathroom when I noticed a light coming in through the window. I thought, "oh the outside automatic lights have come on because of a cat or something in the backyard." I turned around and looked and It was a bright light from a flashlight waving around and My brain turned in on itself.

my thoughts were, "humans aliens have come to get me." and then I felt something like my whole mind sinking below rational thought and I lost control and screamed, long and loud and high pitched. I was shaking all over and I screamed again at the top of my lungs. I don't know where it came from. I realized in a part of my brain that felt like it was in my heart, that I had to get control of myself. I heard Pooks calling from the backyard, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I was yelling damn-it damn-it damn-it at myself for losing control like that and jsut screaming in general.

Maggie came out to check on me and Pooks came inside laughing and crying. Crying b/c she had made me upset and laughing b/c I screamed "Like a woman."

great.

I don't know why I got so upset like that. There was no reason and if i hadn't gotten control again i'm sure i would have kept going for a while. Something just put my mind in the right place for it to fall over and stop working, then drop into a place where fear took over. Pooks was also disconcerted seeing me out of control, b/c I am usually very much in control of myself and my actions. This was mostly involuntary, "I" wasn't there, it was a reaction with no conscious part of "me" or who I am in it.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. It makes me wonder what part of me is wired wrong or what I really am reacting too (real or imagined) or if this is some buried situation from long ago that surfaces at certain times. I had told Pooks that this might happen if she surprised me or I got shocked in some way.

I wonder what things got shut off in my brain. I think my active imagination worked against me. Doesn't make me feel especially good. I'm not scared, just concerned.

Wrong shoes, ouch

So the first motorcycle class is over. It was anti-climactic. I did find out that they don't want us using canvas high-tops to ride with. Which sucks b/c I just got a new pair recently. So I have a set of "tanker boots". The are cool boot, but about one size too small. I've jammed my foot in them for today and hopefully they will stretch a little. They are ok lengthwise, but it is tight across the top of my foot. It's very difficult to find size 16 shoes. Other than that they seem to be great boots. I'm really looking forward to the riding class on Saturday (7:30 AM!!!). It will be cold, but I'm ok with that, I get hot easy.

Pooks is worried about the baby cat. I am too. We have been suckered into feeding a poor starving kitten that lives in our garage. Yeah, we're softies.