Sermon notes

Well not notes, but doodles...



the Pastor started focused and then the ADD hit and he started to wander and then finished fast... meanwhile... after his wandering started I began to doodle on my church bulliten. I did the cat for maggie and helen. I did the cross next for myself.

and then

I was trying to be entertaining to myself and for a little girl sitting beside me. She just plopped down w/ an angry face next to me. Seems like she was getting teen-angst early. So to kinda comfort her and just to entertain, I showed her my doodles and kept going w/ 'em. It was strange and I wondered about the impression her parents would have... but they looked slightly angry or disinterested too. She did laugh at some of my doodles, and at the spider that really did crawl into the ladies purse in front of us. She frequently went back to angry face though. After the service she took off, which i expected, no need to hang around when you don't want to be happy.

No real update....

Things are pretty much the same as last time. Worried about money, job, life, work, etc. It has turned mostly warm enough now that I can ride my motorcycle to work more. That's been fun.

I think it may rain this afternoon though, i'm not looking forward to that.

Kodachrome

A dream:

I was walking in Africa w/ a talk black man. We were walking down roads walled by wooden fences and guarded by 10-year olds w/ AK-47's. They were the children conscripted by the various warring factions to be the new fighting troops. One of them was staring off into space tugging on his lower lip with his finger, and cradling his gun. Everything was dirty, brown and weathered. "Kodachrome, give us those nice bright colors," I sang to my companion. He wanted me to sing, looking for comfort & some sense of solace. He and I were worried that they would shoot us for no reason, not that any was needed. "they give us the greens of summers", I faltered not knowing the words, and mumbled a bit, the fences became the high walls of those used to funnel cattle into a slaughter house. "momma don't take my kodachrome away". We were joined by a white guy dressed for business casual, I sped up to join my companion, I didn't want to fall behind and we kept singing while walking, "Kodachrome..."


I woke up tired this morning, like I'd really been walking & stressed out. That's not too far from the truth, I have been supper stressed lately. Financial worries of course. I don't think many people are not worried about that right now. I hope they'll be over soon though. Helen finally has some steady income and most of our bills are just the bare essentials now. That should hopefully keep us steady until we're more back on our feet.

The biggest problem in dealing w/ this kind of stress is the insecurities that pop up. Did I do this right, should I have done that instead, I shouldn't have settled down here, that kind of thing. I am not a regretful person, but I find these regrets keep popping up in my head circling my brain like vultures plucking away my hopes & dreams.

So, a couple of things have helped me deal with them. One, I talked about it w/ a friend, not about the details of what was going on, but how I was feeling. I wasn't looking for advice, just a shoulder to lean on. Second I know that this isn't the end of the world. It sucks but it's not the end of everything. Keeping that in mind helps. And finally, God has a plan for this too. I think this plan sucks, but it's his plan and he knows what's going on. I don't.

Ok, that's not a couple, but perspective and having someone to talk too are really the best things I can suggest to deal with this.