Boo

Pooks scared the crap out of me last night. That's unusual. My reaction was unusual... for most people, I screamed like something was killing me.

I had just finished brushing my teeth and had come out of the bathroom when I noticed a light coming in through the window. I thought, "oh the outside automatic lights have come on because of a cat or something in the backyard." I turned around and looked and It was a bright light from a flashlight waving around and My brain turned in on itself.

my thoughts were, "humans aliens have come to get me." and then I felt something like my whole mind sinking below rational thought and I lost control and screamed, long and loud and high pitched. I was shaking all over and I screamed again at the top of my lungs. I don't know where it came from. I realized in a part of my brain that felt like it was in my heart, that I had to get control of myself. I heard Pooks calling from the backyard, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I was yelling damn-it damn-it damn-it at myself for losing control like that and jsut screaming in general.

Maggie came out to check on me and Pooks came inside laughing and crying. Crying b/c she had made me upset and laughing b/c I screamed "Like a woman."

great.

I don't know why I got so upset like that. There was no reason and if i hadn't gotten control again i'm sure i would have kept going for a while. Something just put my mind in the right place for it to fall over and stop working, then drop into a place where fear took over. Pooks was also disconcerted seeing me out of control, b/c I am usually very much in control of myself and my actions. This was mostly involuntary, "I" wasn't there, it was a reaction with no conscious part of "me" or who I am in it.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. It makes me wonder what part of me is wired wrong or what I really am reacting too (real or imagined) or if this is some buried situation from long ago that surfaces at certain times. I had told Pooks that this might happen if she surprised me or I got shocked in some way.

I wonder what things got shut off in my brain. I think my active imagination worked against me. Doesn't make me feel especially good. I'm not scared, just concerned.